made of summer.

when i was a kid, i used to be made of summer. blonde streaked through the top layer of my hair, my freckled face blooming when it saw the sun. summer was time for picking daisies from the dried up lawn and sprinting down our street on bikes with my brother. summer was christmas, my birthday, my bach, swimming, surfing, sausages, sunsets, sunburn. i always felt freer and lighter in the sun, no clouds pressing on my back to weigh me down or rain flooding my shoes.

my freckles aren’t as noticeable now, they’ve learned to blend in and hide more, to match the rest of my skin. my hair’s losing its blonde to the point where i keep being asked if i have dyed it darker. my skin burns in ways it never used to. acne blooming on my back and chest has pushed me away from wearing nice, cute tops, but i wear them regardless, more to capture the feeling of summer than anything.

i think i’m made of winter now. i feel more at home in jeans and long tops and hoodies than summer shorts. i wait for the nightfall, because then i can do work in peace. i wish for the cold, because even though it chills me to the bone, its better than being burned through. i like layering up and being cozy rather than being hot and sticky, the feeling of sweat clinging to my skin. i’d much rather go for runs in the cold and rain than in the scorching sun.

i’m dreading summer this year. it feels like a time made especially for me to rot in my bed while my vinyl spins and watch everyone party at the beach and spend time with their friends and fly across to world to see family and chase a white christmas.

summer is the time when my best friend leaves the country for six weeks and i realize i have very few other friends that i would spend time with outside of school or my day to day.

but yet again i get betrayed, for the second my skin touches sunlight and my hair gets washed through with salt, i turn into that kid again. the one who used to love nothing more than she loved the beach, who had no fear so daunting as drowning yet galloped through the waves at every chance she got. but i have changed. my skin blisters then tans, my hair curls and lightens, yet my blood runs like ice and my head is stuck in the snow.

i’m losing and letting go of so much of myself this summer. but maybe i’ve already lost my whole self if i’ve lost that little girl.